Truly! Madly! Deeply!!
Hmmm where do I start?? Would you be interested in knowing what happened after you left? May be you already know everything, you must been watching us closely!
Kiran called me, said it's confirmed news..I am very very sorry Aarathi, Ravi is no more. It's been a year, I remember every single minute from then on, How painfully long and short this year has been.
Reaching Bangalore, driving all night from Hyderabad, I know you would say, Idiot you shouldn't do night driving, it's too risky. I am gone, take your time. I could almost hear you say that, Ravi sorry but I had no clue what I was doing? That point like in the movies, everything around me just crashed, I didn't believe in a world without you, ok you would say but you already left me? I just had to leave Ravi you know all the reasons. Sorry... What else can I say?
3121, SFV a house of our dreams! Well, remember paying every bit of penny we ever earned! We were called DINK couple! "Double Income No kids" couple.. few years ago till we became parents. Beautiful house, where there is sunlight through out the day..ok ok not becoming poetic about the house and you! Yes, unfortunately had to enter our own house with a policeman, who walked through the house, told me how you were found. Ravi, what's up with you? Should there be mystery around your death too?? You continue to amaze me even now after you are gone..Ok I know you are the orange haired Howard Roark I fell in love with, and I would be disappointed if you did anything less.
"I could die for you but I couldn't and wouldn't live for you"
-Howard Roark, The Fountain Head
That's what I remembered, you were ultimately the Roark I loved, true to that till your end.
Well, it's not fucking easy for any wife to be put in a situation like you put me in. Everyone around me is crying, wailing and I just kept doing things, like you said, " Do the next right thing" ok first I kept Vedha safe, she was in Priti's house, achu and amma were with her. I told everyone to stay at home till postmortem gets done and I will call them, you know your Lioness wife, she thinks she can handle anything. Sigh!
Arvind, Vidya, Hari and Satish were with me in KIMS forensic department. I am seeing you there in the mortuary, smiling head turned to right looking at me! I kissed you on your lips, I knew I will never get a chance ever again in my life. Then I cried cried and cried, it's not fair, nothing felt fair, it still doesn't feel fair may be someday I will make peace with it. Strange as it is, we talked about death all the time, remember our exit packages? This is it? You just exit? There is no good bye? No saying anything?? I am just left to deal with everything? Everyone?
Post mortem revealed a large skull fracture and you bled into the brain, was it painful kanna?? Fatal fall? I have gone on this over and over again, how did it happen?? I should have been there? I could have saved you?? Someday, you will tell me or I will live and exit not knowing.
You told me, " I want to be buried, and write on my tombstone, I told you I was sick" I laughed that time, at your dark humor. Well, sorry, I didn't have a choice, I am not talking about rituals because you didn't like them. But, we as a family we did everything to let you rest in peace. Rest assured, Vedha was taken care of all the time. Didn't let her witness anything uncomfortable. Purnima was angry with you, she wanted to wake you up and tell you, don't do this to Aarathi, she loves you.
She doesn't deserve this pain. Who are we to decide kanna..
What followed next few days I shifted from bed to sofa, sofa to bed, drank coffee, ate dark chocolate, never entered your room, I just couldn't. Your appa, amma were inconsolable not that I could console anyone that time. My appa, amma were inconsolable too, they lost their son and daughter in different ways. Achu and Arvind forever the pillars of my life were getting things done. We emptied our house Ravi, I opened your cupboards, smelled your clothes wore them..wore your T- shirts, shoes, Jackets as if magically I will feel you and I felt you! How can one be so organized, like I said, you continue to amaze me, all documents, all cupboards everything in place! We talked and talked about you..laughed and cried! The house fell silent without you and I couldn't bear staying there.
Me and Priti went to our most favourite place, Turahalli forest. For 4 years our morning walks to forest and breakfast at our favourite Raghavendra's the dip idli. There is not a single moment I don't think about you, everything is about you, me and Vedha.
Girish ( my shrink and yours too) says Ravi is totally part of your neuronal system it's going to take a long time but you are making progress. Progress to what? I think to accept ? But God bless him and you bless him too, he is keeping me sane! Functional! Ok I know know, I need serotonin medicines to keep me going..well, you would say, "I married a Doctor! My trophy wife knows to take care" !
I took to writing, writing about you! For you! No I didn't create a new blog, no new domain..my software guy is dead and I just can't do it on my own. I started writing so called poetry, prose poetry, whatever just emotional catharsis.. Girish says you could write a book, ok don't laugh!! You never know? I could surprise you.. they are pathetic, full of pathos, pain and grief..
Hyderabad is your city you joked, but I never imagined after 20 years of leaving the city, I have come a full circle I am back here with our daughter! Our story started here! I can't imagine living in Bangalore without you..
You went away in the midst of first covid wave and life has never been same again, we witnessed another gruesome wave, I wanted to quit and give up. I couldn't take the feeling of helplessness..it reminds the helplessness with which I lost you. Somehow, the zeal to do the best I can do for people kept me going. One day, I just thought if you were here. I know you would be my Devil's advocate..I have made some great friends here, you would be jealous! Wouldn't you be?!
I miss our intellectual conversations, our debates, your humor, your voice, your singing, your support, the comfort of having my man.
Ravi, our deal about traveling and trekking! I am at it!! Me, Vedha, Achu and Priti we did all girls trip to Goa to celebrate our anniversary!! As a family we went to Hampi and stayed in the same place we stayed together! Trekked to spiti valley, it was on our bucket list remember... Yeah some escape mechanisms you know how we both are!! We need Himalayas..I felt you were very much there!
It's going to be a year, still looking for you everywhere, ok I know you are flattered!!
I am convinced, we have lived well and loved very very well!! Love transcends space and time!!
I will survive holding onto this beautiful times the Divine has granted! May you Rest in peace!!!
Love you
Truly! Madly! Deeply!!
