That split second

It's past midnight, I am trying to sleep tossing and turning, the room feels cool and comfortable. I see my potrait on the wall, gifted by a dear friend few years ago. I wonder, how time flies she casually clicked a picture of me on a windy evening when I had picked up a flower and put it behind my ear, she said I was a perfect muse and surprised me with my potrait! I was so happy then..

I look at my little one, who is right next to me. Sleeping peacefully, her sound of gentle breathing right next to me felt surreal! To have something so beautiful, and your own I couldn't have imagined. Motherhood is probably glorified I thought few years ago, once you are a parent you are a different person..in terms of being a daughter and mother as well! It's a boon to  experience that feeling.

I get up, the house is dark, the floor is cold. I know every nook and corner so well, I know the feel of the house and what it says to me. It's spot clean! Some rule I follow till date, no matter how bad the day and night was, I want to wake up every morning to a clean house..new start. Remember cleaning at 2 am..yes that crazy. Probably holding on to hope..the new beginning next day. 

I walk into the kitchen, drink some water. Feel of water on a parched throat, from the same Himalayan bottle I carry on the trek, bottle everytime reminds me of the cleanest, sweetest glacial waters. Yeah looks like I keep holding onto these things! Cold food barely touched, I throw the whole thing into the dustbin.

I look at the empty hall, Alexa is not playing music, no one's watching TV. Hear the fan full on the other room, my loved one is fast asleep. The moon light falls on to the green wall, I have never seen this shade of green! It looks beautiful. 

I gently open the balcony door, careful enough not to wake up anyone. The breeze hits my face hard, I feel the chill, the railing is so cold, It takes couple of minutes. There is something about high rises! I enjoy the sunrise and beautiful views of skies, but at this time of the day, looking at the sky above and the steep ground below looks intriguing. 

I take a deep breath, sit on the chair and in one go climb up on the cold railing, literally on the edge. That moment......the helplessness, the despair, the pain, the suffering, last few years of distress, anguish, utter hopelessness everything rises in unison. In that split second, I can't explain what happened I wanted to let go, I thought of no one, I just wanted to free myself from suffering, as if I owed it to myself! Should I just let it go..I can't take it anymore.

I shudder now, when I think of that tiny moment. I went into a trance, I remembered a paragraph I read long back from a book "palace of illusions" the most courageous woman whom I really admire, one literally born from the fire! Draupadi is standing at the edge of palace terrace,  with all the difficulties she had to endure for so so many years, with few days to complete the exile now kichaka trying to molest her, she lost her tiny bit of hope and was ready to let go and give up her life from the top of the palace. Just as she looks down, she sees crowd in the street, one man looking up at her and smiling magically!! She recognises him instantly and that's none other than the Divine Krishna!!! 

I looked down, I saw nothing...a book I read years ago, came flashing in my mind in that split second. I got down from the railing.. sat in the chair and cried rest of the night. Spirituality doesn't happen in a temple, it happens in these split second moments of despair...if you are lucky and by Divine's grace.

I recognised the path I was treading was dangerous. I needed help. I promptly called my good friend a psychiatrist next morning and seeked help. Situations didn't change, over next few months things got worse and I was going through so much more grief but here I am even today resilient only because I sought help and I got help. Still on serotonin medicines to keep me going....I built a strong support system who stood by me. 

Life is not going to be easy. We all need Genuine compassion, empathy, kindness and most importantly hope!!!!

This World suicide prevention day, take a pledge to seek help and provide help. Yeah I agree hope is not a plan, but sometimes hope is the only plan!! Keep Hanging in there!!!

I have packed of my potrait in some attic. I need to find it and place it back on my wall. I deserve that and more!!! Atleast I found the picture!